Imogen Heap, Sunrise, and insomnia. Not sure if I'm high or if my brain is trying to turn itself off. There's an eerie quiet in the apartment. Almost as if nothing's alive in the complex, but it is at the same time. I'm acutely aware of my own breathing or lack thereof. I know its mostly my brain tired and exhausted when my body isn't but really just feels like life is at a standstill. I'm also afraid to say anything because it just seems like I would break the mood and throw everything back into a state of living chaos. Even my own thoughts seem more easier to come by.
Can't say that I don't enjoy it :) It's very rare that I have a sense of peace in my life. I know its short-lived...but I just wanna enjoy it for what it is.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Sex or something not really like it.
I am a passionate person.
Passionate about myself.
Passionate about what I like and follow
Passionate about my love.
I'm currently in a relationship where I know I love this person. I love being with her, talking to her. Yea, she frustrates the hell out of me sometimes...never enough to walk away.
I just find one major component lacking that has always been lacking in all of my long-term relationship. The lack of sex and passion.
It's not really just penetration (well there's none of that because that's another thing entirely). Just the lack of fire. I'm pretty sure every girl I'm dated has had the sexual appetite of a sloth. At times, it almost feels like I'm raping my girlfriend because she's just not into it.
IT'S BEEN 3.5 YEARS AND WE HAVE ONCE NEVER HAD SEX.
Head and an awkward attempt at anal is pretty much it. I know she has a lot of mental hangups about sex, but this is kind of redonklous. I'm trying to be nice and understanding, but I just want to be able to make love to my girlfriend. I want her legs wrapped around me, nails scratching, loud, moaning, I can smell her sex every once in a while. I know she loves me, but the lack of sexual intimacy is driving me up a wall.
I'm not sure what it is exactly. I know she just doesn't feel it mentally. Talking about sex drives her to tears because it stresses her out. I'm not sure what I can do about it when all I really want is to drive my cock into her. It's just...frustrating to only be restricted to a certain form(s) of expression.
Then I feel horrible because I know she's not doing this on purpose and whatever I can think of to try to relax her sexually always tend to backfire. Either she cums too quickly or just plan just says "I'm not in the mood." It ends up causing strain on other parts of our relationship because of the friction and the pent-up annoyance.
Why did I end up in love with the frigid woman....Humor me that someone.
Passionate about myself.
Passionate about what I like and follow
Passionate about my love.
I'm currently in a relationship where I know I love this person. I love being with her, talking to her. Yea, she frustrates the hell out of me sometimes...never enough to walk away.
I just find one major component lacking that has always been lacking in all of my long-term relationship. The lack of sex and passion.
It's not really just penetration (well there's none of that because that's another thing entirely). Just the lack of fire. I'm pretty sure every girl I'm dated has had the sexual appetite of a sloth. At times, it almost feels like I'm raping my girlfriend because she's just not into it.
IT'S BEEN 3.5 YEARS AND WE HAVE ONCE NEVER HAD SEX.
Head and an awkward attempt at anal is pretty much it. I know she has a lot of mental hangups about sex, but this is kind of redonklous. I'm trying to be nice and understanding, but I just want to be able to make love to my girlfriend. I want her legs wrapped around me, nails scratching, loud, moaning, I can smell her sex every once in a while. I know she loves me, but the lack of sexual intimacy is driving me up a wall.
I'm not sure what it is exactly. I know she just doesn't feel it mentally. Talking about sex drives her to tears because it stresses her out. I'm not sure what I can do about it when all I really want is to drive my cock into her. It's just...frustrating to only be restricted to a certain form(s) of expression.
Then I feel horrible because I know she's not doing this on purpose and whatever I can think of to try to relax her sexually always tend to backfire. Either she cums too quickly or just plan just says "I'm not in the mood." It ends up causing strain on other parts of our relationship because of the friction and the pent-up annoyance.
Why did I end up in love with the frigid woman....Humor me that someone.
Delete, recreate, ad infinitum et cetera
I'm in a constant state of destruction right now.
I wake up just pulling enough hopefulness to get me through the day
It's usually all spent out by the end of the day.
So many external things going on right now.
Money issues, girlfriend issues, family crap, call center jobs
It feels like it all tears me apart and I know it does.
But somehow, I get up in the (perhaps) foolish belief that it'll get better.
I'm not even sure how I do it anymore.
It's not faith, my faith in people lapses a while ago.
Stubbornness, perhaps.
I build myself up only to get broken down.
Is this what being an adult is about?
the ability to let things nip at you, run you down, until there's a little breakdown and then start again?
Sure, I could remove the stressors....but me living in Walden would never work.
Posting related song now.
I wake up just pulling enough hopefulness to get me through the day
It's usually all spent out by the end of the day.
So many external things going on right now.
Money issues, girlfriend issues, family crap, call center jobs
It feels like it all tears me apart and I know it does.
But somehow, I get up in the (perhaps) foolish belief that it'll get better.
I'm not even sure how I do it anymore.
It's not faith, my faith in people lapses a while ago.
Stubbornness, perhaps.
I build myself up only to get broken down.
Is this what being an adult is about?
the ability to let things nip at you, run you down, until there's a little breakdown and then start again?
Sure, I could remove the stressors....but me living in Walden would never work.
Posting related song now.
Beginning
Just needed to make a space on the web for my mature (and mostly immature) thoughts.
Tired of feeling constrained to just the thoughts in my head and the words I can't say you know?
If anyone happens to stumble across this, I would not recommend reading this if you know me. It's personal and it's bound to get ugly.
With that said, these words have always a factor in my actions. I might not always abide by them, I might doubt their worth every once in a while...But they always ring out like Scripture to a man of faith.
Tired of feeling constrained to just the thoughts in my head and the words I can't say you know?
If anyone happens to stumble across this, I would not recommend reading this if you know me. It's personal and it's bound to get ugly.
With that said, these words have always a factor in my actions. I might not always abide by them, I might doubt their worth every once in a while...But they always ring out like Scripture to a man of faith.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-Invictus by William Ernest Henley