crazy

you know how early i was like "why was i with her?"
totally feel like i've lost part of my center...a part of me.
thats what hurts the most about it...thats a part of me that i'll probably never get back.
sure it'll regrow, maybe better...maybe not.

i'm tired of all my friends saying "get over it, she has issues." Well you know what, we all do. She did enough to even it out. And not even that, I WANT HER in my life. More than I wanted anything else. I dont want to be just another person relegated to the friend zone. I want her to be mine. (willingly, obviously)

and in the middle of writing this, i think this entry from melo changed my outlook and maybe my life

Stop your fucking whining right now. I am not here to comfort you or help you cry. I am not here to listen to your story and say, there there, everything will be okay. So stop your fucking crying.

You want to know why I don’t care about your sadness? Because you shouldn’t be sad. And I know, I know this is serious shit, and it’s important, and you don’t know what you are going to do now. But at the end of the day, it is just the same old shit that we all go through.

For the past month, I have been down and out. Over some broad that knows I love her, but doesn’t love me. She thinks of my love only as being awkward. And she still wants me to be her best friend. On top of that, I’m a failure at everything pretty much everything I do, and I have yet to do anything that my parents can be proud of. But you know what?

I’m fucking awesome.

Now, I will admit that I have never held a dying man in my arms, or any serious shit, but it’s all the same. People go through shit every day of their lives, and that is what life is. So grab a beer, pop a tart, and toast that you are still alive. Give a test to those who aren’t. Those that didn’t have a chance to complain about their stressful day at work but sit on their couch when it was all over. Those that died so you could be free. Gave their lives so you can hate yours.

You are fucking awesome. But you don’t want to admit it. You go through shit, day in and day out, and you live. You, are alive. The world cannot beat you. It cannot destroy you. There is no shame in defeat as long as the spirit is not conquered. So don’t fucking give up. You are a good, decent person, who is in hard times. You deserve somebody. You deserve a hug. You deserve a kiss at night. You deserve a friend. Don’t you ever fucking think differently.

You.

Are.

Awesome.

Start acting like it.

Cautioners

I guess I should stop waiting, huh?
I hate being wrong and letting this go just seems wrong.
Usually, I have a really good grip on myself and my emotions.
But right now, as far she's concerned...(and obviously, this is no longer my call), I just feel like this is wrong.

Being apart is wrong. Not being mad with her is wrong. Not feeling like she's a total bitch is wrong. Still being in love with her is very much wrong.

It's a feeling of stasis that i'm not sure I've ran into before. Being together, but not.

Something's got to give or break...I'm wanting the best for me, but expecting not to get it. it's funny that the one thing I've always been sure of, enough to put myself out there against all my emotional shielding.

For once in my life, I have no idea what to do next and that scares the living shit out of me.

Still Life

Tired of feeling like nothing's going anywhere
Tired of my relationship just feeling like I'm on everyone else's time
Just overall tired and feeling unsatisfied.

But then I say I'm going to cut ties and she does something that i'm so looking for her to do (taking charge of her own self and not letting her emotions take control of everything) that it makes me change my mind.

I'm not quite sure if I should even be in this relationship. I feel like she's not really that focused on us anymore. I know of lot of that is actually her being busy...but even when its us time, she's never completely focused on what we have to say. I almost feel like I'm single again in a way.

and that my friends, is not good at all.

Sunrise.

Imogen Heap, Sunrise, and insomnia. Not sure if I'm high or if my brain is trying to turn itself off. There's an eerie quiet in the apartment. Almost as if nothing's alive in the complex, but it is at the same time. I'm acutely aware of my own breathing or lack thereof. I know its mostly my brain tired and exhausted when my body isn't but really just feels like life is at a standstill. I'm also afraid to say anything because it just seems like I would break the mood and throw everything back into a state of living chaos. Even my own thoughts seem more easier to come by.

Can't say that I don't enjoy it :) It's very rare that I have a sense of peace in my life. I know its short-lived...but I just wanna enjoy it for what it is.

Sex or something not really like it.

I am a passionate person.

Passionate about myself.
Passionate about what I like and follow
Passionate about my love.

I'm currently in a relationship where I know I love this person. I love being with her, talking to her. Yea, she frustrates the hell out of me sometimes...never enough to walk away.

I just find one major component lacking that has always been lacking in all of my long-term relationship. The lack of sex and passion.

It's not really just penetration (well there's none of that because that's another thing entirely). Just the lack of fire. I'm pretty sure every girl I'm dated has had the sexual appetite of a sloth. At times, it almost feels like I'm raping my girlfriend because she's just not into it.

IT'S BEEN 3.5 YEARS AND WE HAVE ONCE NEVER HAD SEX.

Head and an awkward attempt at anal is pretty much it. I know she has a lot of mental hangups about sex, but this is kind of redonklous. I'm trying to be nice and understanding, but I just want to be able to make love to my girlfriend. I want her legs wrapped around me, nails scratching, loud, moaning, I can smell her sex every once in a while. I know she loves me, but the lack of sexual intimacy is driving me up a wall.


I'm not sure what it is exactly. I know she just doesn't feel it mentally. Talking about sex drives her to tears because it stresses her out. I'm not sure what I can do about it when all I really want is to drive my cock into her. It's just...frustrating to only be restricted to a certain form(s) of expression.

Then I feel horrible because I know she's not doing this on purpose and whatever I can think of to try to relax her sexually always tend to backfire. Either she cums too quickly or just plan just says "I'm not in the mood." It ends up causing strain on other parts of our relationship because of the friction and the pent-up annoyance.


Why did I end up in love with the frigid woman....Humor me that someone.

Delete, recreate, ad infinitum et cetera

I'm in a constant state of destruction right now.

I wake up just pulling enough hopefulness to get me through the day


It's usually all spent out by the end of the day.

So many external things going on right now.

Money issues, girlfriend issues, family crap, call center jobs

It feels like it all tears me apart and I know it does.

But somehow, I get up in the (perhaps) foolish belief that it'll get better.



I'm not even sure how I do it anymore.

It's not faith, my faith in people lapses a while ago.

Stubbornness, perhaps.




I build myself up only to get broken down.


Is this what being an adult is about?


the ability to let things nip at you, run you down, until there's a little breakdown and then start again?


Sure, I could remove the stressors....but me living in Walden would never work.




Posting related song now.

Beginning

Just needed to make a space on the web for my mature (and mostly immature) thoughts.

Tired of feeling constrained to just the thoughts in my head and the words I can't say you know?
If anyone happens to stumble across this, I would not recommend reading this if you know me. It's personal and it's bound to get ugly.

With that said, these words have always a factor in my actions. I might not always abide by them, I might doubt their worth every once in a while...But they always ring out like Scripture to a man of faith.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-Invictus by William Ernest Henley